Got some things lying around your home you no longer need and think someone else may be foolish enough to buy? Maybe you should try selling your things on Facebook Marketplace.

What I like about Facebook Marketplace as opposed to a place like eBay (aside from the lowercase e at the beginning followed by a capital B(what are they, French?)) is that you don’t have to deal with packaging things and making a trip to the post office. I have sold things on eBay in the past only to have the items arrive in poor enough condition where I had to offer a refund. It’s a bad feeling to spend all of that time preparing to sell something only for it to end up damaged because a militia of rain drops decided to hit your package.

Facebook Marketplace helps cut out the middle man. It’s kind of like Craigslist without the ulterior motive. You don’t feel like you need to give people you meet from Facebook Marketplace a massage. And if you do end up rubbing their backs, you won’t feel ashamed!

I haven’t sold too much on Facebook Marketplace. However, it’s now the place I turn to first. If you’re a rookie at it like I was, I hope these helpful tips can turn you into a professional.

Everything you need to know about selling on Facebook Marketplace

Step 1: Decide on an item you want to sell.

Preferably, this should be something that has value for other people and not just you. Your old baby pictures might be invaluable to your family tree. The only person who might want to buy them is likely not going to be someone you want to meet in person. Unless you’re the Gerber Baby, no sane person should want pictures of some random kid.

Step 2: Take a picture of the item you want to sell.

Make sure the picture is clear and you’re obviously not sitting on the toilet when you took it. People will notice those things. Technology has improved to the point where they have time to assess your photograph and judge it. You may not notice until a week later when someone you know in person sees it online and points it out to you. Pray this isn’t a supervisor from work.

Step 3: Upload the photo onto your computer and start the process of putting it on Facebook Marketplace.

You’ll need a description for the item. Make it clear. Be honest. Let the buyer know if there’s a live scorpion inside of the box.

Step 4: Once it has been accepted by Facebook, you’ll have a short waiting period.

Grab a snack or find another item you want to sell and start the process with that. Don’t get confused and try to sell a half-eaten snack. You’ll regret not having it later.

Step 5: The item you’re selling will be available to other Facebook users to see.

Prepare for an onslaught of generic messages asking if it’s still available. Tell them whether it is or isn’t. Then wait for a response. While you’re waiting, silently judge their profile pictures. Do any of them look scary? Who has the most terrifying tattoo next to their eye? Lie to those people and say your grandfather just died and you want to bury him with the item you’re trying to sell. This fib has gotten me out of a lot of jams including the return of a pet.

Step 6: When you’ve found a person who doesn’t look like they might stab you, offer to sell them the item.

Have a set price and only accept money in your country’s currency. You don’t want to get fooled into selling something for Cryptocurrency or see them toss in a few useless Canadian quarters. People are sneaky so be sure to check whenever someone gives you money. Sanitize your hands after, too. You never know where those half dollars have been.

Step 7: After a price is agreed upon, find a meetup spot.

Some people may want to come to your house. You want to avoid this. They don’t need to know where you sleep at night. So offer to go to their house. And when they don’t want you going there, get a little suspicious that maybe you’re the potential killer between the two of you. Try to remember if you do or do not have someone tied up in your crawlspace. When you recall that you don’t, find a nearby Dunkin Donuts to meet at. Grab a sugary drink while you’re there. Hate yourself for breaking your diet after.

Step 8: Arrive to your location at a designated time a few minutes early.

Then wait. And wait. And wait a little more. Start to question whether the person is actually going to drive an hour to buy a $5 item worth nothing. When they do show up, judge the kind of car they drive.

Step 9: Show them the item you are selling. Let them inspect it.

Also maneuver your way so that you can trip them in case they to make a run for it. Because this is a Facebook Marketplace transaction, you don’t have anyone protecting you. This is one step below a drug deal and a cousin of selling a kidney on the black market.

Step 10: If the buyer approves, remove your ankle from behind theirs.

Receive the cash payment and head back to your car. Sit there for a while until you’re sure they’ve driven off in a different direction from your home. After all of these steps, you don’t want them tracking you down in your driveway and leaving you with nothing but a horrible experience which is pretty much every day on Facebook now.

I hope these instructions can help you become a master Facebook Marketplace salesperson!

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